Reasons for Migraine

I have returned to spread my glorious, luminous and perpetual light of unmatched wisdom for the common and ordinary folk. The truth of the daily migraine which the ordinary man unknowingly suffers from is my ie VJ's (the extra-ordinary superman who plays with kryptonite) topic of introspection.

1.

The biggest and foremost reason is the lack of reason and explanation - for anything and everything. For example, why is there no heading for this point? or what is the point of this topic? or more precisely what is the point of this blog itself (the picture needs no more explanation).

2. Inherent stupidity of life

We - as humans - are generally not stupid (though there are countless exceptions). But life itself is stupid. If there was a purpose to life then we would all have private jets in our private planets with an endless supply of ice-creams, football, girls, money etc. But as you know - we don't have all this and thus life is stupid.

3. Money

There has never ever been a more psychotic, neurotic or deplorable invention than money. We need to PAY for what we want like the right to food and private jets. To top this the most worstest thing about money - it CANNOT even buy love. Oh! what misery.. (not even talent - I have personally tried buying this and as you can clearly see it has been a glorious failure of unspeakable proportions)

4. Miscellaneous

To round it all off - migraines are also caused by long soul-sucking queues, hell raising traffic, loud mouthed neighbours, low speed internet, pathetic movies, humourless jokes (and blogs in certain cases), lack of intellectuals (oh - every human comes under this category from my POV. For you it may not cause a migraine so be happy you limited IQ reader), no Government funding for personal nuclear weapons, road dogs, politicians, TV commercials etc. etc.

5. I wanted to type some more but I just had a migraine attack. This is too much - I'm off to the neighbouring galaxy to get treated. So long earthlings...

(notice how small you earthlings are to ME)

Dealing with siblings and relatives

Based on the over-whelming demand, I - VJ 'the holder of the supreme truth' - hereby give you the divine knowledge you need to deal with pesty relatives and incorrigible siblings.

1. Concentrated ignorance

Let the unrelated relative/ slimy sibling know you do not even acknowledge their existence. Give them undivided ignorance by acting as if you can see through them. If required, walk straight into them and when you bump into them act as if a freakin' ghost hit you (the image is a practical example of the same).

2. Small sins

Hide your siblings final exam hall ticket on the day of the exam and then go hide in your friends house and make extortion calls, break the relative's cell phone or if necessary even their head, pour benzene on them etc. can all be productively utilized with effective and immediate results.

3. Shift city/country/galaxy

This is a little extreme but very justifiable way of ridding yourself from the inhuman torture the siblings and relatives may be forcing upon you. Settling in Somalia or some far off galaxy can be safer but not completely safe.

Though all the above are very effective but the most successful weapon ever deployed with nearly 100% success rate is being revealed to you my His Majesty -

4. OBEY them

Empathy, listening to them and doing the unspeakable crime of obeying your relatives/siblings is surely gonna freak them out. This may sound like a disaster-therapy but there is no better way of getting rid of them - permanently. Reverse psychology generally works! Its proven (at least i think its proven).

(P.S. I have tried them all - but they are not always successful. This rough guide is only a survival technique and I impatiently await Government funding in order to continue my deep research on this crisis of 21st Century which easily dwarfs the current biggest problems of global warming and reality shows combined).

A guide to 'Your' CELEB life

There are umpteen useless guides on how to become famous. But what will you do 'after' that (and even before that). That's where the transcendental knowledge of the omniscient VJ comes to your rescue. I will help your 'famous' life get converted into an epic auto biography (actually - writing an auto-bio itself is a conclusive proof of greatness and immortality even though your life might have been categorically purposeless).

This six point guide is ALL you'll ever need:

1. Show off in advance -

Even before you write an auto-bio or become a recognizable celeb (for all the wrong reasons) you must show off your talents (if any). In the absence of any talent - which is a common possibility - just pretend you can do everything. Implying - act proud and intelligent with a sense of 'I Know Everything.' This is the method adopted by more than 99% famous people inhabiting this celeb-crazy planet.

2. Profess hypocrisy -

Intelligence is the tool of the wise but Hypocrisy is the weapon of the ultra-genius celeb. Therefore hypocrisy must be visible (wearing caps as shown in the image are an incredible help). Contradicting oneself and contradicting what you've just contradicted will make you 'appear' like an avant-garde and you'd be famous - instantly.

3. Hide facts -

Hiding facts and limiting even the most precise answers in the realm of vagueness is the benchmark of every great celebrity. This will avoid people from misquoting you (or even quoting you) and can give you ATTENTION on page 3 or other tabloids if the answers are blasphemous or scandal-worthy enough.

4. Express hate -

Every person is worthy of hate even if he has never troubled you. Seeking sympathy from the media and public by showing and hysterically expressing hate towards all wrong done to you (which is obviously hypothetical) and the exaggeration of events is the key to a successful celeb.

5. Fake greatness -

Splurging money like there's no tomorrow is compulsory. Let everyone around you know who you are by your money - character and personality are trivial details which no one looks at if you got the $$$$$. And every penny spent should be made public (obviously exaggeration is a must)

6. Self titles -

Ensure you give yourself titles like His Glorified Holiness, The Soul Saviour, Mr. Humbleness Personified etc. These will give you the cutting edge over the wannabe celebs.

How to LOSE friends

There are millions of generally hopeless guides preaching how you can win or make friends. Sadly, they are so 18th Century and not even close to being practicle. In this era what we actually need is a infallible guide to LOSE friends. Getting rid of the unnecessary weed-like friends (which every one invariably has) is something no book has ever told you. But I - VJ (the supreme carrier of overflowing wisdom) will be your guide in order to save you from those irritating and creepy bunch of friends whom you always dreamt to get rid off.

The simple steps are given below (these are based on in-depth analysis, scientific research and practicle implementation which makes them universally appllicable)

1. Abuse heartily (refer picture above) -

Abusing is one of the best ways to cut ties from an unnecessary friend. But the art of abusing must be perfected. Swear words in various languages can fetch better and quicker results. And most importantly abuse must be, as far as possible, with a high-pitched voice, gesticulation and show of the finger after every 10 to 15 words. Also ensure it is never done in private but done as per PDA (ie Public Display of Abuse and sometimes affectionately called as Public display of Assholeness)

2. Make imaginary friends -

Imaginary friends are an indispensable tool for getting rid of real friends as they do 'whatever' you want. You start making conversations ALOUD with imaginary friends to make the pain-in-the-neck friend go away... But in case of the unimaginable circumstance of these two points making you lose ALL your friends; go and make more imaginary friends. This way you can get rid off them (ie imaginary friends) whenever you want by just stopping your imagination.

3. Sudden tantrums -

If you lack the imagination to make imaginary friends - do not panic. Showing sudden and deep grief over your friends happiness and shrieking everytime you see him/her/it has proved highly effective to repulse the irritating scumbag called friend.

4. Snigger sadistically -

A sadistic attitude is a must and a sniggering smile an unavoidable need. Proper utilisation of these two at the friend's pathetic situation can earn you bonus points in your quest to get rid of his/her/it's evil friendship.

5. Newton's 3rd Law -

The art of losing friendship was first laid out in Newton's third law -

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction

This clearly implies that every good deed must be reciprocated by henious evil. Every time you are assisted you must kick his/her/it's ass and if that person commits the blunder of saving your life - you must go on and convert that person's life into an epic of misery and desolation.

The way it begins

Being my first blog, I'll start with something trivial, fleeting and categorically unimportant

How to lead a life

There are 5 simple steps to this -

1. First, go get a life:

You may think you have one - but whom are you kiddin' ? You inherently know you are leading a sad existence which is no better than a comatose parasite.

2. Quit your job:

This is pivotal to lead a life that matters. A job despite its financial importance (on which your dilapidated life hinges) is a curse and must be dealt with immediately - so get rid of it. Unemployment is bliss.

3. Suspect every helper:

Anyone who helps must be suspected and as far as possible be cursed to the maximum extent possible causing him/her to become your eternal enemy.

4. Spread misery:

Love is beautiful but misery is eternal. Ensure that everyone who is even remotely connected to you feels the daily pain of having to 'live' everyday. The level of misery must reach to a point where misery becomes an indispensable part of daily life. Misery to be eternal should be felt from within but misery should not make you a sadist as happiness from misery contradicts the essence and beauty of misery. (I hope you got it)

5. Finally, mourn:

All occasions especially birthdays, marriages and trifling events like winning a Nobel prize or Oscar must be mourned with public display of tears and lamentation leading to public epidemic of unstoppable grief.