How To Take Over the WORLD

No kidding - its pretty easy to take over the world.. Me n my cousin (Anu Di) have done it quite a few times.. Its just that we haven't informed the world.... YET!

So here is a non-rough guide to help YOU take over the world:

1. Capture the Web -

Open a website like torrents or google and capture the world's attention and hypnotise their minds (assuming they still have them). I refuse to include the social networking websites here as I prefer non-cheaters only. But if you lack the talent - which obviously you do - take over such websites by hook or by crook. I personally prefer the latter as it requires more talent.

2. Conquer media -

Open a tv network of your own and force people to watch non-sense like vampire love stories, kids flying on brooms etc.

3. The easiest - buy yourself a globe.

Cheap n best option and gives you the perfect illusion of happiness in your miserable and hopeless journey, which you have the unabashed boldness, to refer as 'life.'

How the world works?

I know you have thought about this question for all your life and have miserably given up. But when you are Vipul Jain (which, btw you are obviously not) - giving up does not appear in your vocabulary (I speak figuratively here)

You see,

Things are very fleeting - like freakin' fashion.

For example, the CID jokes of the brave door-breaker Daya are now replaced by Rajni the daily-master of the impossible. Fashion is a serial n silent killer - remember that.

You also see,

Life is unreal. Facebook is the real proof for that.

And then, Television constantly reminds you that-

YOU SUCK. Thats why it is so damn famous and you are just another wanna-be couch potato (assuming you can afford a couch). Therefore, take a permanent marker and tattoo this on your forehead my friend(or cousin, as the case maybe) -

"Sadists rule the world and your self-esteem is their favourite toy."

And finally, carve this on your brain -

You shall never outlive the world. And if you do, whom will you tell it to?

21 Things to do if you are 21

Assuming you are roughly 21 (ie b/w 15-45 yrs) then these are the things you gotta/shoulda/musta/sorta do in your roughly 21 years of lifetime:

1. Hate the career choice you have made (I start with the basic things)
2. Loved Backstreet boys once, hate them now and even get repelled by their names.
3. Go to Coffee Day and order everything other than coffee.
4. Cry (I mean fake tears to show you are human but laugh internally at someone else's misery).
5. Love your friends and turn into instant enemies as soon as you spot a cool guy/girl or a super delicious piece of chocolate (Doesn't it happen everyday?)
6. Download a virus (unintentionally of-course)
7. Crack up laughing for a joke with your friends which you know is not even close to being funny.
8. Get laid (in dreams at least)
9. Help others to do something which is perfectly pointless.
10. Read this blog - at least once (I am more famous than you think)
11. Facebook (I don't think it deserves a mention, but i am kind)
12. Watch movies in class just because the class is not worth watching.
13. Bunk classes just to show off and send loads of SMSes everyday just because they are cheap.
14. Have a vehicle accident and tell everyone it was some innocent's fault and hog all the bloody sympathy you can get and end up being the centre of attention.
15. Observe Lady gaga and Britney songs (not listen but OBSERVE)
16. Spread rumours and then believe them yourself.
17. Overeat at home but eat only a lil' in front of your friends to 'appear' slim.
18. Abuse with total talent and passion - in public. (Abusing in private is an abuse to abuse itself)
19. Copy in exams and still manage to outscore the person from whom you copied (if you weren't the copier but the 'copied' - it still counts)
20. Blame politicians for your, their and everyone else's fault
21. Crib about everything, act depressed, cause depression, laugh, get high, fall from heights and Genuinely know that these are the best freakin' dayz of your life.

{PS - do mention your score as a comment (1 point for each task accomplished and 100 points for achieving task number 10 )}

How to make an atomic bomb

I know, I know... I've made you'll wait too long for my latest post but it is - as always - ingenuously incredibly amazingly indescribably RELEVANT. Almost. Sort off..

How to make an atomic bomb in order to enjoy your insignificant life?
Let me first Honestly and frankly clarify - your life doesn't matter. Come on - It's not like you are ME to make a difference in this universe. But I will help you give the illusion of meaning in your dilapidated life.

Firstly , learn to digress ie go off topic in conversations. Tell a story with no meaning, not even a remote connection to the truth and call it the true story of your life. It works all the time - trust me. Us the words trust me a lot and nod while saying things like "Try it dude, its safe" - while you hand your friend a tequila shot mixed with kerosene or when you order cocaine on the phone by dialing 100 and saying "Oops sorry - wrong number" and ensure the call is made from the friend's cell phone.

Second, live selflessly - but only for yourself, be helpful - but only to yourself and be kind - but only for you know who.

Finally, prove your genius by earning a million dollars. Easiest way - win a lottery. Then spend it judiciously in Vegas. And most importantly -
Wait! Wait a bit more.
Are you wondering what does all this has to do with the topic of this blog ie "How to make an atomic bomb"
My gullible friend - refer point one again.

Finally - THE haircut

I knew it wasn't working. So I made the intelligent decision to visit the salon (even though I should have had my hair cut at least 3 months ago).
I thought of impressing the folk by my long rock-star like hair. After months of hard work and avoiding the barber - my hair barely reached shoulder length. You can hardly impress the girls with that as they - on an average - easily have two to four times that length.

But what really madened me was that nobody noticed my efforts. The longest hair length of my entire life, got zero attention.
Zero.

"The pain is too much" I told myself.

After an hour at the salon I came back and stared at myself in the mirror. My hair was now visibly short. Very very short.
I realized that I looked 5 years younger and my head felt 5 kgs lighter. Not that my hair is so heavy but my brain has a Chronic Exaggeration Syndrome.
(Proof - this blog)

But I felt much better.
As I happily put some hair oil -
"Bloody hell" I screamed.
"Not again" I yelped.

The involuntary habit of the past 3 months - applying extra oil for the formerly long hair - was nearly 5 times the requirement of the presently short hair.
My head now shone like a tube light.

My heart consoled me "You're only human."
My brain sadistically added "Despite the contrary evidence."

What really happened to Superman?

Well you might have got up today and suddenly had this brain numbing question that threatens your very existence -
What happened to SUPERman?
Well, well.... well - I figured it out, just before I woke up today (Yes- before I woke up), and this is 'the' most closet vague answer you will ever find.

India happened to him.
Superman thought he was SUPERman and came to India but Indians taught him that he is just superMAN.
He was flyin' high trying to nail a few mobsters (who actually happened to be some of our MLAs) and the Air force told him he was flying in a no-fly zone. That ended his flying days and he was grounded.
Then he tried using his laser eyes to help the poor who were being exploited. But thats not allowed as he hadn't got the necessary laser usage license from some authority and had to pay hefty penalties.

Dejected and feeling pathetically helpless, Superman tried to take a flight back to the USA (look at the touching irony) where he could face simpler problems like Lux luthor and krptonite (his nemesis and his weakness respectively). But he had the shock of his life.
He was jailed.
Simple reason - The police. Not the normal powerless police but India's most powerful police ie the MORAL police. Superman's obscene outfit of underwear over his pants caused a 'national' outrage (caused by a grand total of two people). Those two people filed a suit in the court and the henious outfit of not-so-super man led him to his fate of 20 years of rigorous imprisonment.
So much for his happy ending.
Status update - The joker filed a petition to have him acquitted but the list of pending cases means he'll have to wait for 25 more years (at least). Therefore, as per latest reports, superman is counting stars...

Need for god's existence

Many people (generally god-believers) believe that moral principles emanate from the creator we call 'god.' We (apart from rationals) prefer to disregard that there is no shred of convincing evidence for 'its' existence whatsoever except for ancient scribblings (which are no proof either). But it is said that we get basic and fundamental principles like 'Thou shall not kill', 'Thou shall not lie', 'Thou shall love thy neighbour' etc. from religious and 'holy' books. (Holy shit - I say). Becoz these things can be easily made up by an average or even a super low IQ human like a Hollywood/Bollywood actor except for 'Thou shall love thy neighbour' becomes a little too literal. But this is not god's true purpose of existence.

god's basic and fundamental purpose of existence is our eCONomy. The various forms of god occupy an astronomical area of land via temples, churches, mosques etc. Without these the real-estate agents would never have seen a boom. The employment opportunities in god's work is endless, with no qualification required for preachers and believers and guess what - all income gets tax exemption too!

No industry other than religion rewards lack of talent and common-sense so handsomely. And committing unspeakable crimes in god's name is another perquisite. As various industries thrive on the artificial being called 'god' we, despite its non-existence, need a god to avoid economic turmoil.

From an economic point of view - god therefore exists because irrationality overrides knowledge and in case of religion even conclusive, contradictory and irrefutable evidence about the non-existence of god is no match because WE BELIEVE...

Become a Celeb in five unFAILing steps

The return of his holiness cum craziness ie VJ will now help you become a Celebrity - INSTANTLY !!!!!!!

1. Myth about talent:
We have clearly seen and undoubtedly know that 99% of the times fame and talent are inversely proportional. What you really need is the art of flattery, technique of grabbing undeserved attention and someone else's credit and also the mastery of back-stabbing. So practice these - daily.

2. Scandelize yourself:
This is 'the way' celebs of today and future will emerge. Self created scandals will keep you famous. The praise-worthy examples of tiger woods, Britney Spears are legendary but YOU can better them!

3. Blog yourself:
Start blogs that praise you for your incredibly breathtaking talent and skills which clearly don't exist. This will fool the layman into believing that you are famous and hence mission accomplished. (this is 'the reason' for this blog too)

4. Buy reviews:
To get good reviews - the age old technique of buying reviews is a must. It is time-tested and is crucial. Buy magazine editors, newspaper columnists, newsreaders etc. so that they write huge praise-showering passages about your greatness.

5. Paparazzi:
N most important for every celeb is to have paparazzi surrounding him or her AT ALL TIMES (refer picture above depicting the paparazzi that follow me - everywhere). So pay some of them to follow you - this will make other paparazzi follow you thinking you are someone famous and suddenly you are Famous!

Finally on becoming famous, leading 'your' celeb life may become another problem which has already been blogged about (refer blog dated March 7,2010 below)

P.S. - If this was helpful , which I know surely was, feel free to send your signed blank cheques to me as a token of love. And for the misers, plz have the decency to leave a comment (avoid abuse even though it maybe highly tempting).

Second life survival tips

Let's face it - this life has been screwed n we have no chance in hell to do anythin' about it. Even jumpin' from a mountain(as described in the pic) won't help. But don't worry the return of VJ - the indestructible n uncomparable will help you survive your next life (assumin' you'll get one)

Firstly , don't get a bloody job n please stay away from career paths. These just make life such a bugging thing it has become. So just enjoy this second life "career free."

Secondly, become a movie star or a footballer. This will give money, babes n well - wat else do you want?

Next, stop plannin' for the future. Thats such a waste of time. In second life - YOU will just live today, have fun, eat, drink, dope (but drugs for minors will be allowed only under parental supervision) and just freak out as a daily routine.

Finally , get up n deal with your freakin' first life. You must be a real psycho to be goin' through all this n droolin and dreamin all along (like me).

Reasons for Migraine

I have returned to spread my glorious, luminous and perpetual light of unmatched wisdom for the common and ordinary folk. The truth of the daily migraine which the ordinary man unknowingly suffers from is my ie VJ's (the extra-ordinary superman who plays with kryptonite) topic of introspection.

1.

The biggest and foremost reason is the lack of reason and explanation - for anything and everything. For example, why is there no heading for this point? or what is the point of this topic? or more precisely what is the point of this blog itself (the picture needs no more explanation).

2. Inherent stupidity of life

We - as humans - are generally not stupid (though there are countless exceptions). But life itself is stupid. If there was a purpose to life then we would all have private jets in our private planets with an endless supply of ice-creams, football, girls, money etc. But as you know - we don't have all this and thus life is stupid.

3. Money

There has never ever been a more psychotic, neurotic or deplorable invention than money. We need to PAY for what we want like the right to food and private jets. To top this the most worstest thing about money - it CANNOT even buy love. Oh! what misery.. (not even talent - I have personally tried buying this and as you can clearly see it has been a glorious failure of unspeakable proportions)

4. Miscellaneous

To round it all off - migraines are also caused by long soul-sucking queues, hell raising traffic, loud mouthed neighbours, low speed internet, pathetic movies, humourless jokes (and blogs in certain cases), lack of intellectuals (oh - every human comes under this category from my POV. For you it may not cause a migraine so be happy you limited IQ reader), no Government funding for personal nuclear weapons, road dogs, politicians, TV commercials etc. etc.

5. I wanted to type some more but I just had a migraine attack. This is too much - I'm off to the neighbouring galaxy to get treated. So long earthlings...

(notice how small you earthlings are to ME)

Dealing with siblings and relatives

Based on the over-whelming demand, I - VJ 'the holder of the supreme truth' - hereby give you the divine knowledge you need to deal with pesty relatives and incorrigible siblings.

1. Concentrated ignorance

Let the unrelated relative/ slimy sibling know you do not even acknowledge their existence. Give them undivided ignorance by acting as if you can see through them. If required, walk straight into them and when you bump into them act as if a freakin' ghost hit you (the image is a practical example of the same).

2. Small sins

Hide your siblings final exam hall ticket on the day of the exam and then go hide in your friends house and make extortion calls, break the relative's cell phone or if necessary even their head, pour benzene on them etc. can all be productively utilized with effective and immediate results.

3. Shift city/country/galaxy

This is a little extreme but very justifiable way of ridding yourself from the inhuman torture the siblings and relatives may be forcing upon you. Settling in Somalia or some far off galaxy can be safer but not completely safe.

Though all the above are very effective but the most successful weapon ever deployed with nearly 100% success rate is being revealed to you my His Majesty -

4. OBEY them

Empathy, listening to them and doing the unspeakable crime of obeying your relatives/siblings is surely gonna freak them out. This may sound like a disaster-therapy but there is no better way of getting rid of them - permanently. Reverse psychology generally works! Its proven (at least i think its proven).

(P.S. I have tried them all - but they are not always successful. This rough guide is only a survival technique and I impatiently await Government funding in order to continue my deep research on this crisis of 21st Century which easily dwarfs the current biggest problems of global warming and reality shows combined).

A guide to 'Your' CELEB life

There are umpteen useless guides on how to become famous. But what will you do 'after' that (and even before that). That's where the transcendental knowledge of the omniscient VJ comes to your rescue. I will help your 'famous' life get converted into an epic auto biography (actually - writing an auto-bio itself is a conclusive proof of greatness and immortality even though your life might have been categorically purposeless).

This six point guide is ALL you'll ever need:

1. Show off in advance -

Even before you write an auto-bio or become a recognizable celeb (for all the wrong reasons) you must show off your talents (if any). In the absence of any talent - which is a common possibility - just pretend you can do everything. Implying - act proud and intelligent with a sense of 'I Know Everything.' This is the method adopted by more than 99% famous people inhabiting this celeb-crazy planet.

2. Profess hypocrisy -

Intelligence is the tool of the wise but Hypocrisy is the weapon of the ultra-genius celeb. Therefore hypocrisy must be visible (wearing caps as shown in the image are an incredible help). Contradicting oneself and contradicting what you've just contradicted will make you 'appear' like an avant-garde and you'd be famous - instantly.

3. Hide facts -

Hiding facts and limiting even the most precise answers in the realm of vagueness is the benchmark of every great celebrity. This will avoid people from misquoting you (or even quoting you) and can give you ATTENTION on page 3 or other tabloids if the answers are blasphemous or scandal-worthy enough.

4. Express hate -

Every person is worthy of hate even if he has never troubled you. Seeking sympathy from the media and public by showing and hysterically expressing hate towards all wrong done to you (which is obviously hypothetical) and the exaggeration of events is the key to a successful celeb.

5. Fake greatness -

Splurging money like there's no tomorrow is compulsory. Let everyone around you know who you are by your money - character and personality are trivial details which no one looks at if you got the $$$$$. And every penny spent should be made public (obviously exaggeration is a must)

6. Self titles -

Ensure you give yourself titles like His Glorified Holiness, The Soul Saviour, Mr. Humbleness Personified etc. These will give you the cutting edge over the wannabe celebs.

How to LOSE friends

There are millions of generally hopeless guides preaching how you can win or make friends. Sadly, they are so 18th Century and not even close to being practicle. In this era what we actually need is a infallible guide to LOSE friends. Getting rid of the unnecessary weed-like friends (which every one invariably has) is something no book has ever told you. But I - VJ (the supreme carrier of overflowing wisdom) will be your guide in order to save you from those irritating and creepy bunch of friends whom you always dreamt to get rid off.

The simple steps are given below (these are based on in-depth analysis, scientific research and practicle implementation which makes them universally appllicable)

1. Abuse heartily (refer picture above) -

Abusing is one of the best ways to cut ties from an unnecessary friend. But the art of abusing must be perfected. Swear words in various languages can fetch better and quicker results. And most importantly abuse must be, as far as possible, with a high-pitched voice, gesticulation and show of the finger after every 10 to 15 words. Also ensure it is never done in private but done as per PDA (ie Public Display of Abuse and sometimes affectionately called as Public display of Assholeness)

2. Make imaginary friends -

Imaginary friends are an indispensable tool for getting rid of real friends as they do 'whatever' you want. You start making conversations ALOUD with imaginary friends to make the pain-in-the-neck friend go away... But in case of the unimaginable circumstance of these two points making you lose ALL your friends; go and make more imaginary friends. This way you can get rid off them (ie imaginary friends) whenever you want by just stopping your imagination.

3. Sudden tantrums -

If you lack the imagination to make imaginary friends - do not panic. Showing sudden and deep grief over your friends happiness and shrieking everytime you see him/her/it has proved highly effective to repulse the irritating scumbag called friend.

4. Snigger sadistically -

A sadistic attitude is a must and a sniggering smile an unavoidable need. Proper utilisation of these two at the friend's pathetic situation can earn you bonus points in your quest to get rid of his/her/it's evil friendship.

5. Newton's 3rd Law -

The art of losing friendship was first laid out in Newton's third law -

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction

This clearly implies that every good deed must be reciprocated by henious evil. Every time you are assisted you must kick his/her/it's ass and if that person commits the blunder of saving your life - you must go on and convert that person's life into an epic of misery and desolation.

The way it begins

Being my first blog, I'll start with something trivial, fleeting and categorically unimportant

How to lead a life

There are 5 simple steps to this -

1. First, go get a life:

You may think you have one - but whom are you kiddin' ? You inherently know you are leading a sad existence which is no better than a comatose parasite.

2. Quit your job:

This is pivotal to lead a life that matters. A job despite its financial importance (on which your dilapidated life hinges) is a curse and must be dealt with immediately - so get rid of it. Unemployment is bliss.

3. Suspect every helper:

Anyone who helps must be suspected and as far as possible be cursed to the maximum extent possible causing him/her to become your eternal enemy.

4. Spread misery:

Love is beautiful but misery is eternal. Ensure that everyone who is even remotely connected to you feels the daily pain of having to 'live' everyday. The level of misery must reach to a point where misery becomes an indispensable part of daily life. Misery to be eternal should be felt from within but misery should not make you a sadist as happiness from misery contradicts the essence and beauty of misery. (I hope you got it)

5. Finally, mourn:

All occasions especially birthdays, marriages and trifling events like winning a Nobel prize or Oscar must be mourned with public display of tears and lamentation leading to public epidemic of unstoppable grief.