How to LOSE friends

There are millions of generally hopeless guides preaching how you can win or make friends. Sadly, they are so 18th Century and not even close to being practicle. In this era what we actually need is a infallible guide to LOSE friends. Getting rid of the unnecessary weed-like friends (which every one invariably has) is something no book has ever told you. But I - VJ (the supreme carrier of overflowing wisdom) will be your guide in order to save you from those irritating and creepy bunch of friends whom you always dreamt to get rid off.

The simple steps are given below (these are based on in-depth analysis, scientific research and practicle implementation which makes them universally appllicable)

1. Abuse heartily (refer picture above) -

Abusing is one of the best ways to cut ties from an unnecessary friend. But the art of abusing must be perfected. Swear words in various languages can fetch better and quicker results. And most importantly abuse must be, as far as possible, with a high-pitched voice, gesticulation and show of the finger after every 10 to 15 words. Also ensure it is never done in private but done as per PDA (ie Public Display of Abuse and sometimes affectionately called as Public display of Assholeness)

2. Make imaginary friends -

Imaginary friends are an indispensable tool for getting rid of real friends as they do 'whatever' you want. You start making conversations ALOUD with imaginary friends to make the pain-in-the-neck friend go away... But in case of the unimaginable circumstance of these two points making you lose ALL your friends; go and make more imaginary friends. This way you can get rid off them (ie imaginary friends) whenever you want by just stopping your imagination.

3. Sudden tantrums -

If you lack the imagination to make imaginary friends - do not panic. Showing sudden and deep grief over your friends happiness and shrieking everytime you see him/her/it has proved highly effective to repulse the irritating scumbag called friend.

4. Snigger sadistically -

A sadistic attitude is a must and a sniggering smile an unavoidable need. Proper utilisation of these two at the friend's pathetic situation can earn you bonus points in your quest to get rid of his/her/it's evil friendship.

5. Newton's 3rd Law -

The art of losing friendship was first laid out in Newton's third law -

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction

This clearly implies that every good deed must be reciprocated by henious evil. Every time you are assisted you must kick his/her/it's ass and if that person commits the blunder of saving your life - you must go on and convert that person's life into an epic of misery and desolation.